11/27/11

Harry: Heavy, man. I know how it goes. 

I lost my balls in the war. 

I got them back in the next one. 

Today my ear feels somewhat better but now I am all sleepy and clammy feeling and I am eating a lot of clams. I think something is wrong. 

Me:  Perhaps you should "clam up" and go to the doctor. You don't wanna end up deaf 'n dumb, do ya? 

Or maybe you do. If I had to lose any one of my sense I think I'd give up on smell. I mean, I like seeing shit or hearing shit but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't miss smelling shit. 

My frozen water looks like a big penis. (https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/391169_10150377370645846_509780845_8722004_904227522_n.jpg)
Harry:  I DON'T like hearing shit. It's not supposed to make very much noise, as far as I know. It makes me sad when it makes sounds. 

I don't think it's an ear infection anymore. Now I think it's a spider that crawled into my ear at night and spun an intricate web deep inside. I think it'll fall out on its own. 

Yeah that is some good looking frozen water! Except according to that one guy, it doesn't look like a BIG penis. It looks like a tiny penis. 

I bet you could freeze a few of them together to get yourself a decent sized penis. Oh! I have an idea! I gotta go check out my freezer, brb. 
Harry:  OK that idea didn't turn out quite as well as I had hoped. 

Me:  You know, I was going to say that you have a cockroach or somesuch in your ear, but I wasn't sure how much that would creep you out. Because that's something that actually happens, you know. Bugs in the ear. I know quite a few people who wouldn't tolerate such talk and call me a Devil woman for even suggesting it. 

I didn't set out to create an ice penis, it just kinda happened on it's own. I hesitated about posting such an obvious wang on OKC, but it was just too funny to resist. Now I suppose that posing with an ice peen makes me "that kind of girl". Hell yes -- the kinda girl who likes her dranks COLD! 

Harry: I think perhaps I accidentally jammed some earwax deep into my ear while I was flagrantly disregarding Q-Tip's warning not to insert them into my ear canal. 

I think maybe I'll put that in my profile, and then change my preferences to say I am looking for dating and then watch the date offers roll in. 

I think that ice penises tend to happen on their own more often than not. Any accidental penis is funny. Oh! You could submit that to Accidental Penis! 

And yeah, you're totally right. Ever since you posted that picture of your fingers wrapped around that big, long, cylinder of ice... I can't stop thinking about you sipping a huge, ice-cold refreshment. Perhaps some sort of lemonade or tea. Or, and let me know if I am getting out of line here, maybe it's even an Arnold Palmer! 

Oh gosh, sorry, that's such a rude idea to have floating around my head.

Me:  Accidental Penis is an actual thing? 

I like my tea iced and I like it sweet. Ideally I would just stick that sucker in a tumbler in place of ice cubes, but such debauchery should not take place in front of children. I do have some values. 

Some. 

Did I tell you that I almost had my nose broken on Thanksgiving day? I almost wish I had -- just for the picture. So many folks seem uptight about my sneering mug, just imagine how they'd react to my sneering mug with a twisted, bleeding schnoz. I'd totally do it, too. Because I have a poor social barometer. 

Q-tips come with many warnings. I think the name should be changed from "Q-tips" to "Death-tips". I'd still buy 'em! 

Harry:  It sure is! 
http://accidentalpenis.com/ 

I subscribe to it in Facebook! But not on Tumblr :( 

You did tell me about it! Well, no details, just that you almost broke it. 

If you want, I would break your nose for you. I think it would look pretty wicked. I bet your social barometer is great. Or, maybe I am thinking of your social anemometer. 

Q-tips are scary, but there are worse kinds of swabs I've encountered. 

HOW'S YOUR MOOD? 

Me:  My mood is placid. Which is better than bad, but not as nice as good. I blame college-related burnout. 

My mother came over to my house on Thanksgiving to prepare the eats. While she was rooting through a high shelf in the kitchen looking for something (I was standing next to her), an iron skillet fell -- nearly missing my pretty, upturned face. Instead it landed on the ground near my feet with a jarring thud. I remember thinking, "That floor could've been my FACE." 

Yup. 

Huh. There's a website for errythang! 

I'm on Facebook too much. It's actually rather pathetic. 

Harry:  I am on facebook exactly enough. 9 hours a day. 

I just bought and used an earwax removal kit. Now I am dizzy. Probably the cockroach in my ear didn't like the goo and it's wriggling around now. 

I'm glad your face doesn't resemble a floor. 

Did you submit your icewang to accidental penis? 

Me:  Did I submit it? Guess you'll have to check every so often to find out. 

Not that I would have to remind you. 

I have a very distinct memory of going to an ear, nose, and throat specialist when I was a kid and having my left ear cleaned with something that looked a bit like a dildo with a beak-like ending on it. This thing hammered away until it eventually loosened a SMALL STONE from my ear canal. Seriously! I somehow managed to get a stone about the size of a pencil eraser lodged in my ear and I didn't even know how it got there. I desperately wanted to keep what I called my "ear baby", but alas, my mom wouldn't let me. 

I just hope that a nice family adopted it. 

....But it probably ended up in the foster system. Now it's out on the streets turning tricks. 

Perhaps you have a stone in your ear. Perhaps it's Sorcerer's Stone. 

Harry:  Oh that would be sweet if I had a stone in my ear! I would keep it for sure and raise it up right. 

Funny, I was just talking to someone about my kidney stone earlier. It was neat. It looked like a tiny brain coral. 

I'm still sad that I didn't keep it. Flushed away down the toilet like some common human baby :( 

Me:  You had a kidney stone?! You're only 30! I thought that only old men who ate a lot of organ meats got kidney stones. That and gout. 

But yeah, you should've kept it. I used to collect all kinds of ghoulish things, most notably teeth. Teeth fascinated me to no end, especially if the roots were still attached. I kept all of the teeth I lost in a small, plastic trophy I won at the Public Library. Yeah, that's right. Won first place for a chalk drawing I did of a parrot. Took home my winnings and kept teeth in it. Like a boss.  

Harry:  I was very surprised I had it! And I think I was 23ish when it happened! I am guessing due to chronically not drinking enough fluids. 

It was the worst pain of my life when it was moving down my ureter, though I didn't know that's what was happening at the time. When I actually passed it a few days later, it didn't hurt at all. Just sort of felt like, uh, a rock tumbling through a hose or tube. The tube being my urethra. And then for a few hours later there was a slight sting inside, as though a small rock had gently scraped the inside of my wiener. 

Have you ever seen the show Oddities on the Science channel? They sell teeth sometimes. Teeth can fetch a good price. 

Congratulations on winning the chalk drawing contest! Sorry I never congratulated you sooner! 

Me:  That was a loveliest description I've ever read of the passing of a kidney stone. I mean, you totally had me rooting for your urethra! It's just a damn good thing that it's not narrow. 

(I'm going to assume that you got the reference) 

I can't say that I've seen that show, but I haven't seen most shows because I rarely watch TV. And I don't mean that in a snobby, hipster, "TV is the devil" way -- it's mainly due to the fact that I'm either doing something with the chillens or I'm busy with school-related tasks. But I can certainly see how teeth would fetch a handsome price. John Lennon's tooth sold for over 30k. Corey Haim's teeth, however, didn't see at all. Which I think is terribly sad. His hair, or more specifically, his pubic hair, didn't snag any buyers either. I don't find that quite as sad. Because they're, you know. Pubes. 

I draw a mean parrot. No, literally. I drew a parrot that was in the process of biting a child's finger, and he bit it FOR KICKS.  

Harry:  Yay! Thanks! My urethra certainly came out ahead over my ureter. Poor ureter. 

Do you think I need to me famous in order to make any money selling my pubes? 

Your parrot is an asshole. Probably a nightparrot. I've seen a parrot take down a Brazil nut like it was nothin'. I'm scared to get any of my body within three feet of a parrot. 
Harry:  I had a parakeet once. 

What are your plans for late March? 

Me:  I'm fairly certain that the only way you could make coin off of selling your pubic hair is if you said you were a Japanese school girl. 

Are you a Japanese school girl? I hear their kidney stones sell like hotcakes! 

If you had to sacrifice a body part to the nightparrot, I would suggest giving him your ureter, which is weak and worthless. 
Me:  Late March? Well, by then I'll have turned 31, so probably settling into the Bellevue Care Center, which is an old age home. 

Harry:  Oh! When's your birthday? Early March? 

Me:  March 3rd. 

"3rd" rhymes with "turd", btw. 

Harry:  I am hoping to have a SUPER FUN birthday party in Ann Arbor on March turdieth or turdy first. 

I'll expect to see you there. If you have trouble with transportation, then I'll bet mrs_peanut can pick you up on her way :| 

What kind of totally wild and insane birthday party are YOU having? 

Me:  Transportation is never a problem, as I have both a car and a GPS. However, if either of these things fail to work, I can always travel using pixie dust. 

I'm pretty awkward and not much of a party person. Unless I'm drunk. That's when I get horrible. 

Then I vomit. 

Well, my wild and insane plans involve sitting around of my duff and watching funny Internet videos. You know, like I do every night? 

OH MY GOD I NEED AN INTERVENTION! 

Harry:  Oh good, then we'll get you nice and drunk! Then you can sing karaoke for hours and hours and hours and feel just fine. 

That sounds like a load of fun. I might try it on my actual birthday. But I don't know, doing that a couple of days before the party might just wear me out too much. I'll probably need a week to recover from that. 

Don't let anyone tell you that you need an intervention. You are doing just fine. Just fine. You are doing just fine. *pat pat pat* 

Me:  Um, er...by-the-way. What's your name? I figure if I might do this I'll need a name to write using my own blood after you and your buddies sacrifice me to the Sky Daddy. 

Harry:  Oh, you don't need to know my name YET. If you came, that would be MONTHS away! 

But it's Harry. WHAT IS YOURS? Is it Hilary? Hilary Clinton? 

Me:  Me. 

Also, it's past my bedtime. I have a coco induced hangover that I need to sleep off. 

Harry:  Oh yeah, you said the word "Me" before. 

Well have a good sleep! I'll try to get a red wine hangover to balance out your coco hangover. I am pretty sure it works that way.