11/25/11

Harry: Bird friend! 
Harry: I like birds. 
Harry: Glad it was good. I injured my niece and nephew and insulted my sister's mother-in-law's cooking. 

I bet your grandma is nice. I mean, if she likes black guys and all. 

Me:  Nah, my grandma's dead. It didn't stop us from crashing her place, though. 

I'm in a bad mood, because all I've been doing today has been computer-related homework, essay writing, and tending to children. Plus all the guests I had over for Thanksgiving took all the good shit home with them, like the pies and such, and all that was left was dark meat. And no, I'm not referring to the black guy. 

I very nearly had my nose broken, yesterday. If I had, I totally would've posted a picture. 

Harry:  You should ditch all your friends and family and whoever was over at your place yesterday and marry my brother-in-law and his dad. They prefer ONLY dark meat if possible. 

You should marry them. Get married. At a wedding. I want you to marry them. 
Harry:  How do you feel about Twister being played on you?  
Harry:  Or "Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur?"

Me:  I was married before and have no intention of doing it again, TYVM. My ex-husband preferred dark meat, too. His girlfriend has an oven in the bun -- but it's only going to be half-dark when it pops out. 

I feel fine about Twister being played on me. Left hand on the blue dot, right elbow on the yellow dot, oh -- you're done? No, no, I understand, it's been awhile. 

Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur would most likely make me vomit. 

Harry:  I will never get married. 

I have nothing to offer anyone. 

Except a disappointingly short game of Twister.
Harry:  How would you feel about getting divorced again? I've always wanted to try it. *WINK WINK*

Me:  The last dude I was with who was no good at Twister was dumped. But, he was also obnoxious, and not in a fun way. So the dumping was justified and not shallow. 

I have a lot to offer -- just as long as the person I'm offering to has low-expectations. Like, really really low. It was also help if they had a poor sense of small, 'cause that shit stanks!   Harry:  I have a poor sense of everything. 

I've never played strip Twister. But I always thought that sounded great. Always when I was a teenager. 

I'm pretty great at having no expectations whatsoever! I expect it helps me out quite a lot.
Me:  Did you know that the majority of Shirley Temple's fans were grown men? Perhaps they wanted to be the animal crackers in her soup. Only in a sexual way. 

I'm still in a bad mood. 

I'd like to see the new Muppet movie. A Muppet/human world would be idealistic. But alas, it is only a twisted nightmare. 
Harry:  No er uh, I had no idea. I ummm, can't imagine grown men wanting to be "animal crackers in her soup." That's just er, you know, wrong and stuff. Never even crossed my mind a lot of times. 

Yeah I tend to think that a Muppet/human world would end up more like Greg the Bunny or Wonder Showzen. Twisted. And with nude puppets. Sexy, nude, drug-using puppets. 

I'm sorry you're in a bad mood still. Hey! I have an idea that might cheer you up! I'm from Michigan. You're from Ohio. We're both somewhere around an hour from the state line. 

Let's reenact the Toledo War! 

Loser has to buy the winner a trip to Toledo!

Me:  It's true. An entertainment reporter from England named Graham Greene referred to her as a "complete totsy". I know all this because I wrote a very long, extensive essay on perversion for my Sociology class. It's being published in an Academic Journal. For real. I'm not getting paid or anything, I'm simply being given the bragging rights to say that an essay I wrote for a filler class is being published in a journal that no one will ever read. 

The fame has gone straight to my thighs. 

There was a war in Toledo? Why was I not informed? I could have run information for the opposition. Either that or start a singing trio like The Andrews Sisters. Only we wouldn't really be sisters. Or Andrews'. Or girls. 

I've been to Michigan -- Royal Oak, to be exact, to see a man about a horse. I was not disappointed. 
Harry:  Heck yes there was a Toledo War! The greatest war in history! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toledo_War 

That's super great about the essay. You can put it on your resume! And get paid in the FUTURE for writing about perversion! It's a slam dunk. 

A friend of mine has done something similar, though I don't think it was published in an academic journal. It may have even been mrs_peanut... 

I'm glad you weren't disappointed. Royal Oak has a way of disappointing people. I guess the horse must have made up for it. Must have been quite a horsey horse! 

I've been to Ohio. Lots of times. Been disappointed every time.
Harry:  OH WAIT EXCEPT FOR CEDAR POINT AND SEEING MY GRANDPARENTS AND DRIVING THROUGH IT ON AN AWESOME ROAD TRIP

Me:  As soon as I read the words "entirely bloodless" I pretty much lost interest. But no, I had no idea. I feel ignorant and ill-informed about northwestern Ohio, now. And feeling as though I knew my homeland like the back of my hand was the only thing I had going for me. So thanks for destroying the illusion. THANKS A LOT. 

You really want me to talk to mrs_peanut, don't you? To be perfectly honest, I don't get along with other womenfolk that well, unless they just-so-happen to be just like me. Which just goes to show you how awful and self-centered I am. And I really have no cause to be, seeing as how I'm smart and gorgeous. 

I'm also kinda fat, but I'm pretty sure you've already figured that out. 

I used to work at Cedar Point as a caricature artist. I excelled at making teenage girls cry by drawing them with big noses. I considered their tears to be a fringe benefit. Especially if they happened to be a complete totsy.  
Harry:  Oh, I won't push mrs_peanut on you. I learned that at my sexual harrassment seminar. I don't know you well enough to know how similar you two are. 

And uh, hey, the Toledo War was NOT entirely bloodless! 

"During the scuffle, Two Stickney, son of the major, stabbed Wood with a pen knife and fled south into Ohio. Wood's injuries were not life-threatening." 

When we re-enact this, I call the guy who wields the knife.
Harry:  Sorry, "pen" knife.

Me:  I don't think the stabbing had as much to do with a boundary dispute as it did the fact that this guy was obviously sick of everyone making fun of him for being named after a bowel movement. I mean, a guy can only take so many bathroom jokes before he snaps and stabs a bitch with a pen knife. 

I didn't have to attend some hippie-ass seminar to learn how to sexually harass people; I was BORN with that skill. 
Harry:  Yeah I'd even stab a guy named Three. What a dick. 

And I never said you couldn't push ME onto people. Your skills might some in handy for me. If I am lucky.

Me:  There Will Be Blood.  
Harry:  Ooooookay, maybe I don't want you pushing me onto people? 

I'd like to think of myself as open-minded in bed, but I draw the line at blood-letting .
Harry:  HOW IS YOUR MOOD? 
Me:  Still grumpy, but slightly less than before. I had a headache that was related to the stress of being awesome*, but I popped a Mortrin and now 's all good.

I also had a cup of coco and 's good, too. 

I hate television. And not it a hipster way, either. The only shows I like are shows about hoarders. Everything else is crap. 

*super awesome  
Harry:  Could you say that you "hoard" super-awesomeness?

Me:  Yes. Someday it's all going to fall on me and I won't be able to move. I'll die my own super awesomeness.  
Harry:  At least you'll leave a beautiful corpse. Like if you drowned, but in super awesomeness rather than in the ocean or a babbling brook. 

Um, are we supposed to be meeting at the Michigan-Ohio border? I have my shoes and pants on and everything.

Me:  True. And my corpse will remain beautiful because I won't have a house full of cats that'll eat the skin off my face. That really happens, you know. 

I had assumed not, seeing as how it's the ungodly hour of 8 p.m. and I just put my nightshirt on. Once the shirt is one I don't do shit, brah. 
Harry:  Yeah, I think I heard that face-skin is a delicacy for cats or something. 

And that's alright, I'm not actually wearing shoes or pants. 

"Nightshirt" sounds pretty badass, like some kind of crime fighter. I'm going to take it as badass that you're wearing a "nightshirt."

Me:  Cats are nasty little beasts. I am far from pro-cat. 

Since I have children I don't have the luxury of being able to spend an entire day pantless. I do, however, go shoeless and often sockless. Like a hillbilly bride. 

I don't like the word "nightgown" because it sounds grandma-ish, and I don't like the word "pajamas" because that tends to suggest that it is a pants/shirt combination, which I never wear. I wear a shirt, a long one at that, and I only wear it at night. Thus it's a nightshirt. In these colder, fall and winter months, I often wear thigh-high socks with my nightshirt. Thus, they are "nightsocks". 

Badass ++  
Harry:  I like living by myself, as I can go pantsless or nude whenever I want! I know I need to get a roommate soon to cut costs, and I know that I'll probably accidentally get dragged into a relationship with someone who will force me to marry her and live with her and either way, I'll have to wear clothes all the time. 

I guess this is what growing up is all about :(
Harry:  But now I know I can trade that in for being a badass, so maybe there is hope!

Me:  I don't see why a woman would object to nudity unless there were kids running around. Otherwise this person would be really uptight. And probably a demon in the sack. 

Badassness can only be accomplished when you add the word "night" in front of whatever article of clothing you decide to wear to bed. Just keep that in mind and you'll be on your way! 
Harry:  Everyone my age has kids now. So I can only assume she will. Also she'll be a total bitch, and not only uptight, but really crummy in the sack. Not a good situation. 

Also, one time, all women signed a petition telling me that they object to me being nude in their presence. Needless to say this was a blow to the ego. 

I think I am going to throw on my nightpants and nightshoes and go to the store to buy some nightcandy. YEAH! 

Then I will come back home and dick away the rest of the night commenting on the internet and watching netflix while being objectionable.

Me:  Night night! 
Harry:  Oh, I shall return to OKC when I return. For I am obsessed with checking on the stupid things I say and seeing what responses they've gotten. 

But if you are nightnight-nighting, then night night! 

Bad. Ass.
Harry:  I bought Nightsour gummi lifesavers. 

The most badass candy I could find.